Sadness

18 Days! This is not my longest by any means, but I feel like this is my most confident 18 days of sobriety from pornography. I have no reason to look at it or a reason to want to look at it. Each day is a new day to look to God for my strength, situations, emotions, stress, and difficulty.

It is truly a double-edged sword…I am completely stress about my marriage and extremely fearful of the future of our togetherness….but what do I normally do when I am stressed…Porn….So I am learning new ways of dealing with stress. I have started meditating. Sitting in a darken room, breathing deeply from my stomach, paying attention to my breathes, and the feelings that I experience in my body, and focus on the whys…Why am I feeling a knot in my throat, or tightness in my belly, why does my neck hurt? It has truly helped me focus on my stress and where I feel it in my body…never thought I would be meditating…a new experience but has been very worthwhile.

The overwhelming feeling this week has been…sadness. Yesterday in particular, I was just sad, almost every breath I took, felt like I was going to explode in tears..it was the hardest day since wife found out again…I miss her, I miss us, even as I write this post, tears are flowing….What have I done?

I believe that my resolve and resilience to dealing or medicating my stress and anxiety with porn is strengthening everyday….but on the flip side, I am continuing to be more sad as the days go by, I love her, more than I could ever express or comprehend. And I have ruined it….

She is better without me…she is an amazing woman and the strength in out family, but I have made her sad, angry, betrayed, and a different person, because of my carelessness, my stupidity, and my selfishness….Where do we go from here?

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lordthe Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

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