Memories

So its been 2 full weeks, since my wife found my phone with my sins contained on it. Shame, guilt, and utter disappointment follow on from both of us from that point. I don’t know why she puts up with me and my crap. My brother says, “its cause she loves you” Love…I have had many say they love me, but most in my life have left, hurt me with their “love” or their love was based on what they could gain. Love…has always been a dangerous word for me….always surface level, shallow…..

Over the course of my life, I have not allowed many to know the my true self. I have protected myself from their so-called love. Allowing them surface level information, and surface level idea of what I truly go through in my brain. The thoughts, ideas, and constant torment of my inner self.

My earliest memory is my first day of kindergarten, I can remember going to school and going into a classroom, and I sat there. The teacher read he names out and I didn’t hear mine called, so I put my hand up. And the teacher asked me why my hand up and I told him, you didn’t call my name…he began telling me that I belong in K2 and this was K1…he also began telling me how silly and ridiculous it was that I didn’t know numbers at my age…I can remember this day vividly. The scary thing is, this is my earliest and only memory I have until I am 12. Five years….I don’t remember or want to remember….

It scares me to know what happen in those five years…I know my step-Dad was quite abusive to me…I get glimpses of frying pans, gallons of milk, and belts being swung at me…

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

Started with a bang

10 Days!

In my last post I spoke of history, my history. Every life has a beginning, and most start of the same way. Two loving people, consecrate their relationship through mutual love and admiration towards each other. This is so nice, abit soppy, romantic comedyesque.

My history, or should I say my beginning started off very differently. My mother was assaulted, well this is the term I use, but in my effort to be honest and transparent, she was raped. This is how I was conceived. You see my life started off with pain, sadness, regret, and a constant reminder of each of those.

Even now as I read those words again, I am caught up in emotions. When I am battling this behaviour that I have come to hate in porn, I often think, is this where this lust in my heart comes from? Is this behaviour inherited? The whole sins of the father will be passed on for generations verse in the Bible, type thing.

Is this from the disconnect that I have with my mom? My mother is a great woman, one of the strongest women I know. She raised four kids on her own, struggling to work and balance the lives of her kids. But Mom, with memories of how I was conceived, has difficulties with our relationship. I wonder if my desire for acceptance through pornography, comes from my desire for acceptance from my Mom.

My life has not been perfect, actually its been quite hard in almost every sense of the word. But it builds a sense of resilience and hope for the future. I live on that hope, I count on that hope, I believe on that hope.

I put a verse at the bottom of every post, I struggle with this verse and what it means for me and the ultimate impact on my Mother’s life.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13