So its been 2 full weeks, since my wife found my phone with my sins contained on it. Shame, guilt, and utter disappointment follow on from both of us from that point. I don’t know why she puts up with me and my crap. My brother says, “its cause she loves you” Love…I have had many say they love me, but most in my life have left, hurt me with their “love” or their love was based on what they could gain. Love…has always been a dangerous word for me….always surface level, shallow…..
Over the course of my life, I have not allowed many to know the my true self. I have protected myself from their so-called love. Allowing them surface level information, and surface level idea of what I truly go through in my brain. The thoughts, ideas, and constant torment of my inner self.
My earliest memory is my first day of kindergarten, I can remember going to school and going into a classroom, and I sat there. The teacher read he names out and I didn’t hear mine called, so I put my hand up. And the teacher asked me why my hand up and I told him, you didn’t call my name…he began telling me that I belong in K2 and this was K1…he also began telling me how silly and ridiculous it was that I didn’t know numbers at my age…I can remember this day vividly. The scary thing is, this is my earliest and only memory I have until I am 12. Five years….I don’t remember or want to remember….
It scares me to know what happen in those five years…I know my step-Dad was quite abusive to me…I get glimpses of frying pans, gallons of milk, and belts being swung at me…
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20