Monday

Monday…

I leave my wife.
I leave my kids.
I leave my ministry.
I leave my home.

With much reluctance and hesitation, I have checked myself into a 3 week treatment program. I explain to my oldest child, that I was going away to be a better man, husband, father, minister, and person.

I am so hopeful of this 3 weeks, but very nervous and apprehensive. I do not even know what will happen but I am hopeful. As the days pass before I go, I am being very intentional about the time with each of my kids. But also, as the days pass, I am getting more and more emotional about the time spent away.

I do not know if you have ever felt every emotion all at the same time being at the surface ready to come out…but that is where I am at. Each day as it closes, I get more and more anxious about this time away, a restful time, I hope to working and focus on me being the best version of me.

Will I change? for the good or the bad?
Will it be helpful?
Is this for me?
What will it be like when I get back?

Nervousness, anxiety, and hopefulness is on the forefront of my brain and body. I just do not know…I covet your prayers for myself, my family, and for my ministry!

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous… Joshua 1:5-6a

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Sadness

18 Days! This is not my longest by any means, but I feel like this is my most confident 18 days of sobriety from pornography. I have no reason to look at it or a reason to want to look at it. Each day is a new day to look to God for my strength, situations, emotions, stress, and difficulty.

It is truly a double-edged sword…I am completely stress about my marriage and extremely fearful of the future of our togetherness….but what do I normally do when I am stressed…Porn….So I am learning new ways of dealing with stress. I have started meditating. Sitting in a darken room, breathing deeply from my stomach, paying attention to my breathes, and the feelings that I experience in my body, and focus on the whys…Why am I feeling a knot in my throat, or tightness in my belly, why does my neck hurt? It has truly helped me focus on my stress and where I feel it in my body…never thought I would be meditating…a new experience but has been very worthwhile.

The overwhelming feeling this week has been…sadness. Yesterday in particular, I was just sad, almost every breath I took, felt like I was going to explode in tears..it was the hardest day since wife found out again…I miss her, I miss us, even as I write this post, tears are flowing….What have I done?

I believe that my resolve and resilience to dealing or medicating my stress and anxiety with porn is strengthening everyday….but on the flip side, I am continuing to be more sad as the days go by, I love her, more than I could ever express or comprehend. And I have ruined it….

She is better without me…she is an amazing woman and the strength in out family, but I have made her sad, angry, betrayed, and a different person, because of my carelessness, my stupidity, and my selfishness….Where do we go from here?

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lordthe Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

Memories

So its been 2 full weeks, since my wife found my phone with my sins contained on it. Shame, guilt, and utter disappointment follow on from both of us from that point. I don’t know why she puts up with me and my crap. My brother says, “its cause she loves you” Love…I have had many say they love me, but most in my life have left, hurt me with their “love” or their love was based on what they could gain. Love…has always been a dangerous word for me….always surface level, shallow…..

Over the course of my life, I have not allowed many to know the my true self. I have protected myself from their so-called love. Allowing them surface level information, and surface level idea of what I truly go through in my brain. The thoughts, ideas, and constant torment of my inner self.

My earliest memory is my first day of kindergarten, I can remember going to school and going into a classroom, and I sat there. The teacher read he names out and I didn’t hear mine called, so I put my hand up. And the teacher asked me why my hand up and I told him, you didn’t call my name…he began telling me that I belong in K2 and this was K1…he also began telling me how silly and ridiculous it was that I didn’t know numbers at my age…I can remember this day vividly. The scary thing is, this is my earliest and only memory I have until I am 12. Five years….I don’t remember or want to remember….

It scares me to know what happen in those five years…I know my step-Dad was quite abusive to me…I get glimpses of frying pans, gallons of milk, and belts being swung at me…

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20