Monday

Monday…

I leave my wife.
I leave my kids.
I leave my ministry.
I leave my home.

With much reluctance and hesitation, I have checked myself into a 3 week treatment program. I explain to my oldest child, that I was going away to be a better man, husband, father, minister, and person.

I am so hopeful of this 3 weeks, but very nervous and apprehensive. I do not even know what will happen but I am hopeful. As the days pass before I go, I am being very intentional about the time with each of my kids. But also, as the days pass, I am getting more and more emotional about the time spent away.

I do not know if you have ever felt every emotion all at the same time being at the surface ready to come out…but that is where I am at. Each day as it closes, I get more and more anxious about this time away, a restful time, I hope to working and focus on me being the best version of me.

Will I change? for the good or the bad?
Will it be helpful?
Is this for me?
What will it be like when I get back?

Nervousness, anxiety, and hopefulness is on the forefront of my brain and body. I just do not know…I covet your prayers for myself, my family, and for my ministry!

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous… Joshua 1:5-6a

Breathe

Last month on this date, was my last interaction with pornography. At the moment I am operating out of fear, but I have no shame or guilt that is usually associated with my online use, because of the freedom in the ability to say I have been clean, sober, and righteous before God in this behaviour that has town apart my life for the better part of 23 years.

I can not breathe. I feel a massive weight everywhere I go, especially when my wife is around. I just can not breathe.

There are serious decisions to be made…Do I go into a treatment center? If I do, that means taking a sabbatical from work? away from my kids with no contact? away from work, with no explainable or acceptable reason? Am I going because I think I could use the help and counselling or am I going because this is what my wife wants me to do? All valid questions…

Questions and excuses rolling around in my head constantly. Where do I go and what do I do?

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”                   1 Corinthians 10:13

Help

33 Days. I am still on the couch, this is creating terrible sleeping patterns and body aches. But often I find each night on the couch, makes me love my wife more, makes me want to spend more time with her. It is creating a renewed love and passion for her and who she is, an amazing woman of God, with so much grace.

33 days of freedom from guilt, shame, and betrayal. My body and brain are according to professionals, is recalculating what it means to be excited and what it needs to produce adrenaline and serotonin in my brain. I am resetting my brains patterns, routines, and rituals. This is both a great thing and a very exhausting exercise.

I am often moody, exhausted, and more than anything on edge. But I see the change that I want to become and it will be worth it. With my wife’s help, I have been looking into a treatment center for sexual addiction…called yesterday and went through the assessment and waiting to hear from them.

I am still not 100% sure this is the answer, and I want to go because I want to go, not because of my wife. There are answers in my life that I need to find, resolve, understand and process. I am at a crossroads, this will mean informing my church, my leaders, and myself. It is a big, massive, huge, and whatever other adjectives, I can find.

I am still processing this step, rectifying it in my brain. Is this the help I need, the answer to my longing questions in my life and my behaviour?

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;  I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2