Confusion

7 days, clean and pure from my sexual addiction of pornography. 7 days of my wife barely speaking to me. 7 days of my fractured marriage seen in every movement of my wife not to touch me or avoids me altogether. It may be 7 days, but I know that this is my fault, my willingness consciously or unconsciously to grab a device and punch keystrokes until I was able to satisfy a need deep with me.

At this very moment, I am at home alone? with my dog. Wife and kids are gone for several hours. Why did she leave me alone? I know that she is wondering what I am doing right now. Does she not care anymore? Is the weight to big to bear? I know she doesn’t trust me this much, as she did take my phone

Every thought of losing my wife and my children drives me to an emotional rollercoaster. Today as I watched my daughter’s soccer game, I could not help but get emotional at the thought of not being able to watch her to do her favorite thing in the world. My brain and my emotions are so confused. I want to cry, scream, punch myself for being so stupid, and/or rewind the past 8 days, and give myself a good swift kick in the ass.

I have come to crossroads of sorts in my life with porn. I have tried for over 20 years to give it up, put it behind me, leave it to God…it has to start now for myself, for my wife, for my kids, for my God. It is a completely humbling thought to know that the future of my marriage is based on what I do now, today, in this moment.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

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Discipline

Still sleeping on the couch…my wife let me know she can barely look at me let alone speak to me. I miss her! But I completely understand this is totally my fault in every way. I ruined it, 16 years of marriage, 18 months of sexual purity, and my family.

I was listening to Judah Smith today. Judah spoke about how discipline is training. That using discipline helps us see the future of our righteousness and peace. But discipline always sucks! It may be good, but it sucks.

I struggle with pornography for 22 years. On and off again. Sometimes I have gone really well. When I got married, I thought it would all be over. This hot girl is my wife and we can have sex all the time, I won’t need porn. But it pulls you back in, sometimes not even knowing the how or the why.

Throughout my marriage, I have struggle with it. Hoping that God will remove this thorn from my side. Praying, pleading, and begging for God’s intervention. Intervention always came, but never how I would have like…intervention was my wife finding something on my computer, phone, or iPad.

Discipline sucks! But I am praying for God’s intervention and for the Holy Spirit to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace through this discipline.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11