In my last post I spoke of history, my history. Every life has a beginning, and most start of the same way. Two loving people, consecrate their relationship through mutual love and admiration towards each other. This is so nice, abit soppy, romantic comedyesque.
My history, or should I say my beginning started off very differently. My mother was assaulted, well this is the term I use, but in my effort to be honest and transparent, she was raped. This is how I was conceived. You see my life started off with pain, sadness, regret, and a constant reminder of each of those.
Even now as I read those words again, I am caught up in emotions. When I am battling this behaviour that I have come to hate in porn, I often think, is this where this lust in my heart comes from? Is this behaviour inherited? The whole sins of the father will be passed on for generations verse in the Bible, type thing.
Is this from the disconnect that I have with my mom? My mother is a great woman, one of the strongest women I know. She raised four kids on her own, struggling to work and balance the lives of her kids. But Mom, with memories of how I was conceived, has difficulties with our relationship. I wonder if my desire for acceptance through pornography, comes from my desire for acceptance from my Mom.
My life has not been perfect, actually its been quite hard in almost every sense of the word. But it builds a sense of resilience and hope for the future. I live on that hope, I count on that hope, I believe on that hope.
I put a verse at the bottom of every post, I struggle with this verse and what it means for me and the ultimate impact on my Mother’s life.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13