Monday

Monday…

I leave my wife.
I leave my kids.
I leave my ministry.
I leave my home.

With much reluctance and hesitation, I have checked myself into a 3 week treatment program. I explain to my oldest child, that I was going away to be a better man, husband, father, minister, and person.

I am so hopeful of this 3 weeks, but very nervous and apprehensive. I do not even know what will happen but I am hopeful. As the days pass before I go, I am being very intentional about the time with each of my kids. But also, as the days pass, I am getting more and more emotional about the time spent away.

I do not know if you have ever felt every emotion all at the same time being at the surface ready to come out…but that is where I am at. Each day as it closes, I get more and more anxious about this time away, a restful time, I hope to working and focus on me being the best version of me.

Will I change? for the good or the bad?
Will it be helpful?
Is this for me?
What will it be like when I get back?

Nervousness, anxiety, and hopefulness is on the forefront of my brain and body. I just do not know…I covet your prayers for myself, my family, and for my ministry!

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous… Joshua 1:5-6a

Love

3 weeks! So the latest…My wife would like me to go to a specialised treatment center…still not sure about this, I am still looking into this option. I know that there is more about my behaviour that I could understand and dive deeper into the reasons why…but a treatment center? Praying about this and asking God if this is the right plan.

Love! I have wondered even in the good times that I am unloveable. That I don’t deserve love from anyone….especially God. My life is ordinary, the themes and moments in my life have proven to me that, I do not deserve to be loved or that I am unworthy of anyone’s love.

I am often confused by love. I am the type of person that will do anything, say anything, or act anyway to avoid conflict or to make sure the other person is safe or ok….to a great sacrifice to my own personal well-being. This has proven to be a wrong approach to life…when will I realise that I can not live this way anymore.

Love! It baffles me. Honestly my wife is the first person that has loved me despite my best efforts. She exemplifies 1 Corinthians 13, and I wish I could understand love, like she does. I am baffle by her unconditional love, maybe that’s why I keep, messing up….I do not understand her love for me, even her love for our children…the measure and length she is willing to show us love is incredible…why do I continue to hurt her? to question her love?

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13