Five Days

Five days! Five grueling days of my wife and I barely speaking to each other. I am trying to instigate communication, even chit-chat, but to nothing much. It’s really hard, very hard to manage how I act and respond around her. It’s completely my fault in every way.

I have also had five days of cleanliness of pornography. Its been really hard, that is usually my relive, my escape, and my release from my day-to-day problems. In those times where I am most frustrated, I try to read, and pray to just help keep my mind straight.

I am currently reading AGAIN…every man’s battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It is a great book where the author’s outline their own battles with sexual purity. In the book, they speak about how it is just a minute from fantasizing to masturbation. That the downhill spiral happens before you know it. This is so true for me. I may be watching TV and see a beautiful girl or bare breasts in a movie and then next thing i know I am looking at porn or talking sexually with someone online.

In every effort I am trying to with God’s help, train my eyes and brain to be pure in all my thoughts, actions and the visible elements entering my brain. The brain is a powerful weapon and needs to be transformed by God .

I still don’t know where my wife and I are going. But I hope it’s together!

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

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It begins

Fraud, Failure, and Fake.

Three words to describe me at this moment in time. Each day I wake up and hope for a great day with my wife, kids, and my work. I am a Pastor of a church. Thats where it begins or ends….

Last week my wife found out that I was chatting and videoing with random girls online. Obviously this hit our marriage like a Mac truck. This moment in time, this second of forgetfulness…forgetting to delete Skype from my phone, has led to where we are now. Unsure of the future, both in my work and in my marriage.

How could I be so stupid in so many different ways?

I have struggled with pornography since I first laid eyes on it. It was 1995, and a video tape was being passed around my group of friends at school. First it was video tapes (who remembers those?) and magazines, then progress to webpages and chat rooms, and then finally to where we are now…porn versions of Facebook, where you message women who are similar to you, and hope they message you back.

I have struggled particularly these last six months. I felt lonely, distant, and out of sorts with myself. Not sure of who I am, where I am going, and what’s next…this is by no means an excuse for my behaviour, just a opening for the devil to use his tricks to deceive me and for me to ultimately decide to follow his direction.

I am not sure where this blog is going to go…I am hoping to capture my thoughts, feelings, and emotions here, as I can not accurately express them verbally. I will hope to dive into my own psyche, hoping for answers and rationale.

I am not looking for input or comments, but I hope this will help me find the me that God created me to be. I will hope to end each post with a scripture verse to give me hope for tomorrow.

Psalm 39:7-8 “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope, is in the Lord. Save me from my own transgressions, do not make me the scorn of fools.”