Love

3 weeks! So the latest…My wife would like me to go to a specialised treatment center…still not sure about this, I am still looking into this option. I know that there is more about my behaviour that I could understand and dive deeper into the reasons why…but a treatment center? Praying about this and asking God if this is the right plan.

Love! I have wondered even in the good times that I am unloveable. That I don’t deserve love from anyone….especially God. My life is ordinary, the themes and moments in my life have proven to me that, I do not deserve to be loved or that I am unworthy of anyone’s love.

I am often confused by love. I am the type of person that will do anything, say anything, or act anyway to avoid conflict or to make sure the other person is safe or ok….to a great sacrifice to my own personal well-being. This has proven to be a wrong approach to life…when will I realise that I can not live this way anymore.

Love! It baffles me. Honestly my wife is the first person that has loved me despite my best efforts. She exemplifies 1 Corinthians 13, and I wish I could understand love, like she does. I am baffle by her unconditional love, maybe that’s why I keep, messing up….I do not understand her love for me, even her love for our children…the measure and length she is willing to show us love is incredible…why do I continue to hurt her? to question her love?

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

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One thought on “Love

  1. Your wife is an amazing woman, blessing and gift to you.

    If you are in the USA, or even Canada, Heart 2 Heart Counselling in Colorado has week long intensive programs for addicts, and for couples that may be something for you to consider. Dr. Doug Weiss has a lot of experience helping pastors and Christian leaders as well as anyone else.

    I have become good friends with a pastor’s wife in my support group, (thus my interest in following your blog) and they have gone here. As have several other men and couples that I know. He has wonderful resources available for both you and your wife. A great place to start.

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