Confusion

7 days, clean and pure from my sexual addiction of pornography. 7 days of my wife barely speaking to me. 7 days of my fractured marriage seen in every movement of my wife not to touch me or avoids me altogether. It may be 7 days, but I know that this is my fault, my willingness consciously or unconsciously to grab a device and punch keystrokes until I was able to satisfy a need deep with me.

At this very moment, I am at home alone? with my dog. Wife and kids are gone for several hours. Why did she leave me alone? I know that she is wondering what I am doing right now. Does she not care anymore? Is the weight to big to bear? I know she doesn’t trust me this much, as she did take my phone

Every thought of losing my wife and my children drives me to an emotional rollercoaster. Today as I watched my daughter’s soccer game, I could not help but get emotional at the thought of not being able to watch her to do her favorite thing in the world. My brain and my emotions are so confused. I want to cry, scream, punch myself for being so stupid, and/or rewind the past 8 days, and give myself a good swift kick in the ass.

I have come to crossroads of sorts in my life with porn. I have tried for over 20 years to give it up, put it behind me, leave it to God…it has to start now for myself, for my wife, for my kids, for my God. It is a completely humbling thought to know that the future of my marriage is based on what I do now, today, in this moment.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

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